Fantasies and Compromise 1

One of my fantasies is to be Your Daddy's girl, but generally You'd call me Your boy or Your bitch. "Bitch" is a perfect sexual word for me that is always hot, never negative, and it can extend to trashtalk like being Your slut, but not Your fag. Think of where You'd want to call me fag and substitute something slutty or even potentially feminizing. -Just shy away from the slang used while i got the shit kicked out of me all growing up.

 I don't have fantasies about becoming a eunuch, getting neutered as a pup, or being castrated, but I do have fantasies about having a real pussy for You to fuck...even the fact that it would make me, biologically, a bit of a freak turns me on. {I don't think Trans persons are freaks, but you don't see too many men who want to have their dicks flipped and nothing else changed and don't identify as women}

So there...YOU want to take a Man's balls and I want to trade my manhood to become a better hole...yes, my fem-side and my pig-side come together like that. If we can both get past the parts of each other's fantasies that we aren't both into, shouldn't it actually be easy to find a middle ground that we both enjoy?

Bad boy persona

I'm sick of it. Being reckless doesnt make you cool. And I don't give two fucks about whether you look cool or tough. That's your domain. Personally, I find a calm, quiet confidence speaks more loudly of a Man than a braggart. 

Or if you could just stop letting CK drive. CK is a personality that's an irresponsible, self-serving dick. I get that lots of guys are into that, but I'm repulsed by it. It is a faux masculinity based upon cultural bias that I simply have not and likely will not ever believe in. I find it comically absurd at best, irritating and insincere at worst. I'm turned off by fantasy. That's why I prefer to LIVE Dom/sub when it can be carried out correctly. 

A few examples: you constantly put us in unnecessarily dangerous situations while traveling because you don't pay enough attention to the road. Second, you don't think ahead even though you experience the same kinds of problems all the time and due to (I'm guessing) pride won't acknowledge your mistakes enough even to attempt avoiding repeating them. And sexually when you start doing things to me that hurt, very often you misread my expressions when you've pushed me to the point of wordlessness: you push when you should back off, you back off when you should keep going. You say you can't imagine why you can't make me cum yet, but the answer is really obvious! You're not in touch w my body enough to make it happen, when I get close you stop all my signals by fucking my head up and getting me to think about it, and it would seem that you're always in a rush. You never just take your time sexually with me. You want to go hard and rough right out of the gate without proper warmup. Almost every time we really play we wind up having to stop for a few days because you're so impatient that you cut and/or rip me and I'm bleeding afterwards. Your dick isn't big enough it should hurt me that much every time. (Oh, and I'm sick of hearing about how big your dick or balls are. It just sounds like you have something to prove. Your character and body will speak for itself. I don't think you have anything to prove. It's a weak-minded immature mentality that would suggest that you do. Don't be a stupid boy, be a wise man.)

Sexual or not, you continuously scare me because of being reckless. That doesn't build confidence in my decision to trust you with so much power over me. It makes me question whether that's a horribly irresponsible decision on my part. 

MASTER's first visit

I love this MAN. HE told me HE wasn't going to make it up to see me like HE'd hoped just to surprise me. When I got out of the shower to read my message and sullenly left the bathroom HE tackled me in the shadows of the apartment. :)

Every day that starts or ends with being in MASTER's Arms is a good day. :)

HE's so handsome and manly, even with HIS scruffy Face pressed against a pillow. A pussyboy feels safe with a Man like HIM. 

....shhh...don't wake HIM. I'm going to gently press my hips and butt back onto HIM, just melt into HIM, and see if HE responds. Only the gentlest request for when my MAN is sleeping. I would love to make HIS day, but perhaps I'll upset HIM and earn a punishment? ...

A Drug Doms May Want for Their Subs

Silodosin

A compound I'm very interested in. 

"As α_1A adrenoceptor antagonists are being investigated as a means to male birth control due to their ability to inhibit ejaculation but not orgasm, a trial with 15 male volunteers was conducted. While silodosin was completely efficacious in preventing the release of semen in all subjects, 12 out of the 15 patients reported mild discomfort upon orgasm. The men also reported the psychosexual side effect of being strongly dissatisfied by their lack of ejaculation.^[5]"

^From: http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silodosin

I feel like Doms would have fun with this! 

If you could make it impossible to ejaculate 

but still make him writhe in ecstasy as he 

tries to cum as a room full of onlookers are left confused. :)

Leaving Manhood for the MAN

When HE tells me HE is the only MAN in the relationship and that I'm a not one, HE isn't denying my gender; HE is affirming it. HE is only denying an illusion. I am male. I am my own creation, and as HIS Mate, We will now create and explore together. 

6 April 2013

Wow. Spontaneous epiphanies all day. The most random and seemingly unrelated stuff is getting connected conceptually in my head and making so much sense. I feel like my entire life is about to change and this time for the better. I'm already happier, more focused, more relaxed, and more joyful. I hope HE likes a happy pup, because HE has one.

I was going to not bother with the capitals and all when writing for myself, but I feel that doesn't encourage what I'm attempting to do here. I have to reinforce it myself as well, especially since HE isn't physically here.

Oh for the day HE is though...to feel HIS touch for the first time. Right now I would probably precum and melt into HIM.

Aleistar Crowley was rumored to be able to cause an entire room of people to spontaneously orgasm all at once. I don't know about that, but I want to one day be so connected to my DOM that I can do so at HIS command. Wow to be that close, to be that vulnerable, so open and yet so strong and amazing together.
Only time will tell. :)

It will also be interesting to see how else HE can train me. HE has that background in sexual psychology; that makes me trust HIM beyond anyone else. It appeals to the nerdy side of me that simultaneously appreciates and needs to know that a DOM is aware of what HE is doing...especially since I may not always be.

I always felt like there must be something all these Ds people knew that they weren't sharing. I think I'm beginning to get an idea what T/they wouldn't teach me outright, and I think I understand why I had to learn it myself. Maybe everyone does. Being OWNED by HIM is the test of this hypothesis and a catalytic opportunity to develop myself. How could I pass this up?!
I already can hardly help whimpering just seeing the videos where HE is rough and then tender. My boypussy twitches at the thought of HIM.

I realized a long time ago that my best relationships always had a little fight in them. When the fight is over, so long as W/we still want to keep going together I consider both of Us as having won. Especially with a guy like HIM, if HE is still my DOM, even if I lose, I fuckin win. Bigtime. :)

I wonder how HE describes this stage of Our relationship. I don't know the terms and don't want to assume anything.

(Did a quick spiritual thing tonight for what's been on my mind.)

Day in the life :)

There are some things that I have realized I would not do freely for HIM, but if HE asked I would do them anyway. I have no idea where this may go eventually, but I'm not attached to the experience anymore. I am enraptured in the experience because my DOM is...well...if I could have written out an ideal candidate HE would best my imagination.
I am attached, however, to who I am having the experience with. YOU are the constant. I feel YOU when YOU aren't here.

YOUR will rings in my head as I lean back into YOUR CHEST.
As my head falls back trustingly onto the mattress I close my eyes as YOU wrap YOUR ARMS around me and squeeze a little, exerting and reminding me that YOU are the MAN,
"Hands on ankles, bitch."

Without a word I lift my legs, noticing the way my cock cage hangs and moves my entire package, cock and nuts, as one object.

<< I'm about to get fucked in a chastity cage by a sexy MAN who loves me and who has stolen my heart. I dare not say it yet and ruin HIS pleasure by shouting out my love to HIM. I'm terrified because of my past, but YOU have been teaching me out of that timidity.

I finally accept what I am: a very timid pup. A bitch. A faggot. A cocksucker. A queer. A pussyboy. >>

Before one more thought could pass through my racing mind my phone vibrates.

<>

"Hey baby boy." Flashes across the screen as my heart melts and my boyclit aches in its cage, screaming for release. The tension feels good, like HE has a rough hand on my body. I never want HIM to stop touching me.

New Rule

And for some reason I'm obeying it. He's out of touch and busy and this pisses me off beyond belief but I'm still obeying it.

God damnit I swear if I make these sacrifices for Him and He fails me I am never fucking doing this shit again. Couldn't have asked for a worse time to instate that new rule. This is dedication and don't you fucking forget it. Goddamnit I can't touch myself without His permission and I can't get His attention long enough to even ask for it. I'm not supposed to be locked until next week, but that fucking cage may as well already be here. Chastity is fun when there's someone to play w you; it's just fucking cruel from across the continent. Least He could do is call...or wait to ask that of me until He has adequate time rather than springing a surprise on me and then being absent. I need some fucking guidance so guide me already. I'm not learning anything. I'm not gaining anything. I'm just making a fool of myself.

But even when I consider doing it anyway and just jacking off I lose my hardon at the absurdity and confusion. What's the fucking point already? He doesn't even get to benefit from me being denied. Fuck, for that matter He doesn't know how unnecessary denial is to making me submissive. If He had spent any time in person with me yet He would already know that I care 100% more about His Cock than my own, but His ain't fucking here.

I'm perfectly ready for this type of relationship, but not while I already have to live with my very existence being a fight within my home life. When He gets here and sees the bullshit I have to deal with just to live, the strangulating ignorance and bigotry, the absurdity I can't even escape at home, and how much I need His support more than His sexual satisfaction...when He gets here and understands first-hand, well, either He will feel sorry for me and ease up or help me get out of here as quickly as possible...or He will be scared off by how fucked up this place is.

I'm not even mad at Him. I'm just mad. And horny. And emotionally tired. And irritated that I couldn't have one fucking day without extreme hubris trying to dictate to me how to manage every little minute detail of my life. I see nothing but abused authority everywhere my entire life; willingly giving it to someone else is pretty much the most difficult thing possible.

It isn't even that an orgasm is that great. It just clears my head and I'm out of pot...and trying to save money by not buying it so that I can get the fuck out of here and stop wasting time in this hellhole while there's a Man on the other side of the country who means so much to me I can be snarling at the world and foaming at the mouth and yet still WANT to make Him happy more than seeking my own happiness.
I'm seeking mine, but that's largely based on Him right now. I don't wantto be foolish in love, but if I didn't see the real thing with Him I wouldn't be involved in something as ridiculous and with such a minuscule sliver of potential for success as a long-distance relationship.

So I guess it's off to bed w my head racing and trying not to think.

Slaves and Asceticism

I view the concept of BDSM slavery and the concept of religious asceticism as kissing cousins. They both focus on suffering as a means to transcendence, denial of the self and one's humanity, one's fleshly existence and free-will as a path to enlightenment. This is a great show of discipline yet also a great show of foolishness. The body is divine; the physical reality is a manifestation of the spiritual. To deny the human experience in its fullest capacity is to deny one's divinity. For this very reason I take each step, gratefully inhaling the air and thanking the Earth beneath my feet, the sun, stars, and moon above me, and the beautiful and holy living world around me. I AM a submissive, but the first and always most important master I serve is my Self. To usurp that priest-king is to spit in the face of my very existence. I am looking for my mate. He exists. He may be the Man I am involved with now. Time will tell.

Oh my god....I'm going to do this. Oh my god, I actually want to do this.


i really appreciate and enjoy the way we communicate so far. i'm scared of that changing and forgetting who you are and why i am here. i WANT this. i hope i don't get scared too quickly and run; i hope i don't forget that the things about this that scare the living shit out of me do not negate the reality of the Man i trust enough to take the risk.

i hope i don't let my fear (one of the things HE can help me deal with and possibly even overcome) overcome that which i know to be stronger and truer than FEAR: LOVE. The difference in my mind about the potentiality of pain and degradation is that these do not actually harm me nor would HE harm me. HE is helping me to understand and remember that i am stronger than i think i am, and who knows? maybe i'm even stronger than HE thinks i am? whatever the case, i have to remember that HE cares for me and wants the BEST for me, of me, and out of me. HE does because HE can LOVE me and HELP me and TEACH me and HE APPRECIATES, VALUES, and RESPECTS me. i appreciate the man behind the role, Connor, and i trust him enough to obey, otherwise it is incapable of working.
(these points are exactly what he said in his last message to me tonight. i had to go through all of these thoughts to be able to reach the conclusion that he was right and i have no reason to fear. It's not even logical right now: how on earth could anyone abuse me from the other side of the continent? It just may be the case that by the time i get to meet Him in person W/we will be strong enough that i won't fear Him. i don't want to fear him. Colin said "when you feel fear the answer is to solve fear"
this is the ultimate in challenging my fears and yet safe, loving, and capable Hands are there to hold me, catch me, and push me when the time has come for pushing.

right. i can do this.

yes.

this won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
it already has been and i haven't even heard his voice. (speaking of which this timezone difference will be interesting. I wish I already knew when He is available for chat
<<Now Cory, don't forget this later. That's why you're putting it on the internet; no matter what you do once it's posted it exists.>>

(I'll be glad when I start to get to the point where I don't have to go through this long process of talking myself down from residual fears.)