New Rule

And for some reason I'm obeying it. He's out of touch and busy and this pisses me off beyond belief but I'm still obeying it.

God damnit I swear if I make these sacrifices for Him and He fails me I am never fucking doing this shit again. Couldn't have asked for a worse time to instate that new rule. This is dedication and don't you fucking forget it. Goddamnit I can't touch myself without His permission and I can't get His attention long enough to even ask for it. I'm not supposed to be locked until next week, but that fucking cage may as well already be here. Chastity is fun when there's someone to play w you; it's just fucking cruel from across the continent. Least He could do is call...or wait to ask that of me until He has adequate time rather than springing a surprise on me and then being absent. I need some fucking guidance so guide me already. I'm not learning anything. I'm not gaining anything. I'm just making a fool of myself.

But even when I consider doing it anyway and just jacking off I lose my hardon at the absurdity and confusion. What's the fucking point already? He doesn't even get to benefit from me being denied. Fuck, for that matter He doesn't know how unnecessary denial is to making me submissive. If He had spent any time in person with me yet He would already know that I care 100% more about His Cock than my own, but His ain't fucking here.

I'm perfectly ready for this type of relationship, but not while I already have to live with my very existence being a fight within my home life. When He gets here and sees the bullshit I have to deal with just to live, the strangulating ignorance and bigotry, the absurdity I can't even escape at home, and how much I need His support more than His sexual satisfaction...when He gets here and understands first-hand, well, either He will feel sorry for me and ease up or help me get out of here as quickly as possible...or He will be scared off by how fucked up this place is.

I'm not even mad at Him. I'm just mad. And horny. And emotionally tired. And irritated that I couldn't have one fucking day without extreme hubris trying to dictate to me how to manage every little minute detail of my life. I see nothing but abused authority everywhere my entire life; willingly giving it to someone else is pretty much the most difficult thing possible.

It isn't even that an orgasm is that great. It just clears my head and I'm out of pot...and trying to save money by not buying it so that I can get the fuck out of here and stop wasting time in this hellhole while there's a Man on the other side of the country who means so much to me I can be snarling at the world and foaming at the mouth and yet still WANT to make Him happy more than seeking my own happiness.
I'm seeking mine, but that's largely based on Him right now. I don't wantto be foolish in love, but if I didn't see the real thing with Him I wouldn't be involved in something as ridiculous and with such a minuscule sliver of potential for success as a long-distance relationship.

So I guess it's off to bed w my head racing and trying not to think.