Shit I'm Sick Of: (A Rant)

• femphobia among gay men
• femphobia period
• heteronormativity
• accidentally losing weight
• putting on a good show for others' fetishes and sexual amusement/erotic enjoyment/entertainment while getting to enjoy none of my own satisfied
• arguing when all that's needed from either of us is an apology with no modifiers
• conversations left hanging unfinished overnight multiple times a week or no conversation at all multiple times a week
• people who don't begin or end phone conversations with salutations 
• accidentally inconsiderate (i.e. unconsciously rude) people
• feeling my back hurt when he excitedly kisses me too passionately
• not being able to physically withstand being held, kissed, and/or fucked by my boyfriend due to our size difference
• feeling my spine give out LONG before I'm anywhere CLOSE to an orgasm
• being told things that don't happen
• being given tasks and not held accountable
• seeing how people I talked to a year ago have accomplished great things in their bdsm, and i have lost development while gaining disbelief and frustration, especially considering that we are porn stars
• ranting to a world that will likely never read this
• feeling powerless and/or trapped
• feeling like the man i love feels trapped
• feeling like the man i love is incompetent or doesn't care
• feeling abandoned
• feeling like my lover refuses to listen to me because he's convinced he already understands me, even though he doesn't
• hubris
• male posturing, peacocking, and other such pissing contests for 12 year olds
• feeling completely (and foolhardily) confidently misunderstood
• not being on the same page
• being bored or run ragged, no schedule, no in-between, no moderation
• never having a decent, home-cooked meal to actually properly share without a goddamned television running
• the sticky keys on this keyboard
• ranting to no result save me lighting up and trying to forget this shit for as long as I can until I drown or smoke it into submission
• seeing other people actually have BDSM relationships while we play one on tv.
• dealing with a man whose concept of Dominance is telling me to go be my own Dom. well then why the fuck am i shaving for you, keeping your house, sucking your cock, obeying your orders? What the fuck is in this for me? The idea that YOU get YOUR needs met but I don't is SUPPOSED TO ONLY BE FANTASY, but in our case it's the sad reality! You wanna know why I'm such a bitch? Because YOU AREN'T DOING YOUR JOB. Or you're wrong for the job. One of the two. I'm unhappy and you're working really damn hard, but not working very fucking smart. so you get upset instead of stepping back and making practical changes to deal with it: either change your habits or don't be with me. I've changed plenty for you. This is a trade, a partnership. I'm giving you what you need. You're giving me some mixture of what YOU need and what YOU THINK every sub needs based on your previous lovers. I don't worship the ground you walk on and fawn all over you. I can't keep any interest when you are so disgustingly self-absorbed and wrapped up in yourself. I try to take interest in the nonphysical aspects of you since those don't get any facetime. I wait for you to approach me, but the only times you do YOU ARE BEING SUBMISSIVE ABOUT IT! No, I don't want to play when YOU come up to ME barking and shit. I'M THE PUPPY. You're in denial, baby. You want, and maybe even NEED a DOM. You won't let me do it, and I know that in addition to other reasons, it's because I'm poz. We both know I can't really get into fucking you in any way except controlled and for your pleasure alone, so I wind up self-conscious and unable to be fully invested. Meanwhile when you top, you fucking break my spine and/or shred my hole because YOU CAN'T FUCKING STAY FOCUSED enough to either:
• not jump right into a jackhammer fuck, OR
• fuck me often enough I can actually train my hole
• But TRAINING? That's a whole 'nother mess of disappointments. You have shown no dedication whatsoever EVER. Eventually I would be stupid if I didn't assess the situation for the likelihood of me ever getting what I want out of this.

Lost Faith

Sometime over the last year, I completely lost my faith in my partner to actually do any good as my DOM. I dropped off Fetlife and shyed away from the community so I wouldn't have to deal with being fake or a mess. I've lost all interest in submission, and the concept now seems like nothing but a silly fantasy that could never really happen. I tried taking control since I'm a Switch, but my partner would have none of it. Seeing him run OUR lives and seeing his inadequacies about doing so have decimated my confidence in him. What do you do to regain the ability to believe someone when they talk to you? It isn't that he was malicious or lying, but that his word came to mean nothing. My stock response became to roll my eyes at anything he said he "would" do, considering how often these things didn't happen. He then tried to make me feel guilty for holding him accountable like someone who loves you would do. So I backed off of him and focused elsewhere. I became resentful of everything I would do out of submission to him because I wasn't getting what I needed and he chose to argue that point with me rather than changing it. I strayed from him. He found out. Since then we have been trying to re-establish what we thought we had before.

Today we had a fight. I told him I was sick of him pretending to be Dominant only when it got his dick hard or when he could bark out orders to me and not have any accountability himself. A sub doesn't need punishment, doesn't need discipline. A SUB NEEDS STRUCTURE. A SUB NEEDS ROUTINE. My partner failed to give me any of that, failed to establish even ONE protocol in the now 11 months we have been together. Granted, our start was not ideal by any means, but as we talked about today, we think we are finally getting better. Good, because the dis-empowerment, loneliness, and constant abandonment was driving huge wedges between us. The more I needed him to be strong, the weaker he became and the stronger I had to be. I can be the strong one, but if you want to be my DOM then you have to know me well enough to break me sometimes. You have to be several steps ahead, and he hasn't focused enough to do that even once. Even when he had a plan, he would fail to communicate it. A sub cannot meet vague expectations, and they cannot measure their success against a backdrop of pure chaos.

But we are trying. I still can't stomach the idea of submission being erotic or even healthy at this point, but hopefully he can finally prove himself worthy of being trusted with such power. Here's to year two! I love him, now let's finally be happy and good together; instead of keeping face and being tough, let's try being honest, real, and not shutting down everytime something negative happens, and...maybe even....pay a respectable level of attention. Because i NEED a DOM, and i WANT it to be HIM, but i refuse to fake belief in him. I believe he can be my romantic partner, my life partner, and my business partner, but being his sub is an entirely different animal altogether. He can even be head of household, but a wise man would use his power to use me to make US work better. It's hard to lead from behind, and hard to follow a leader who doesn't communicate clearly and gets frustrated when that fact is brought to his attention.