Lost Faith

Sometime over the last year, I completely lost my faith in my partner to actually do any good as my DOM. I dropped off Fetlife and shyed away from the community so I wouldn't have to deal with being fake or a mess. I've lost all interest in submission, and the concept now seems like nothing but a silly fantasy that could never really happen. I tried taking control since I'm a Switch, but my partner would have none of it. Seeing him run OUR lives and seeing his inadequacies about doing so have decimated my confidence in him. What do you do to regain the ability to believe someone when they talk to you? It isn't that he was malicious or lying, but that his word came to mean nothing. My stock response became to roll my eyes at anything he said he "would" do, considering how often these things didn't happen. He then tried to make me feel guilty for holding him accountable like someone who loves you would do. So I backed off of him and focused elsewhere. I became resentful of everything I would do out of submission to him because I wasn't getting what I needed and he chose to argue that point with me rather than changing it. I strayed from him. He found out. Since then we have been trying to re-establish what we thought we had before.

Today we had a fight. I told him I was sick of him pretending to be Dominant only when it got his dick hard or when he could bark out orders to me and not have any accountability himself. A sub doesn't need punishment, doesn't need discipline. A SUB NEEDS STRUCTURE. A SUB NEEDS ROUTINE. My partner failed to give me any of that, failed to establish even ONE protocol in the now 11 months we have been together. Granted, our start was not ideal by any means, but as we talked about today, we think we are finally getting better. Good, because the dis-empowerment, loneliness, and constant abandonment was driving huge wedges between us. The more I needed him to be strong, the weaker he became and the stronger I had to be. I can be the strong one, but if you want to be my DOM then you have to know me well enough to break me sometimes. You have to be several steps ahead, and he hasn't focused enough to do that even once. Even when he had a plan, he would fail to communicate it. A sub cannot meet vague expectations, and they cannot measure their success against a backdrop of pure chaos.

But we are trying. I still can't stomach the idea of submission being erotic or even healthy at this point, but hopefully he can finally prove himself worthy of being trusted with such power. Here's to year two! I love him, now let's finally be happy and good together; instead of keeping face and being tough, let's try being honest, real, and not shutting down everytime something negative happens, and...maybe even....pay a respectable level of attention. Because i NEED a DOM, and i WANT it to be HIM, but i refuse to fake belief in him. I believe he can be my romantic partner, my life partner, and my business partner, but being his sub is an entirely different animal altogether. He can even be head of household, but a wise man would use his power to use me to make US work better. It's hard to lead from behind, and hard to follow a leader who doesn't communicate clearly and gets frustrated when that fact is brought to his attention.