6 April 2013

Wow. Spontaneous epiphanies all day. The most random and seemingly unrelated stuff is getting connected conceptually in my head and making so much sense. I feel like my entire life is about to change and this time for the better. I'm already happier, more focused, more relaxed, and more joyful. I hope HE likes a happy pup, because HE has one.

I was going to not bother with the capitals and all when writing for myself, but I feel that doesn't encourage what I'm attempting to do here. I have to reinforce it myself as well, especially since HE isn't physically here.

Oh for the day HE is though...to feel HIS touch for the first time. Right now I would probably precum and melt into HIM.

Aleistar Crowley was rumored to be able to cause an entire room of people to spontaneously orgasm all at once. I don't know about that, but I want to one day be so connected to my DOM that I can do so at HIS command. Wow to be that close, to be that vulnerable, so open and yet so strong and amazing together.
Only time will tell. :)

It will also be interesting to see how else HE can train me. HE has that background in sexual psychology; that makes me trust HIM beyond anyone else. It appeals to the nerdy side of me that simultaneously appreciates and needs to know that a DOM is aware of what HE is doing...especially since I may not always be.

I always felt like there must be something all these Ds people knew that they weren't sharing. I think I'm beginning to get an idea what T/they wouldn't teach me outright, and I think I understand why I had to learn it myself. Maybe everyone does. Being OWNED by HIM is the test of this hypothesis and a catalytic opportunity to develop myself. How could I pass this up?!
I already can hardly help whimpering just seeing the videos where HE is rough and then tender. My boypussy twitches at the thought of HIM.

I realized a long time ago that my best relationships always had a little fight in them. When the fight is over, so long as W/we still want to keep going together I consider both of Us as having won. Especially with a guy like HIM, if HE is still my DOM, even if I lose, I fuckin win. Bigtime. :)

I wonder how HE describes this stage of Our relationship. I don't know the terms and don't want to assume anything.

(Did a quick spiritual thing tonight for what's been on my mind.)

Day in the life :)

There are some things that I have realized I would not do freely for HIM, but if HE asked I would do them anyway. I have no idea where this may go eventually, but I'm not attached to the experience anymore. I am enraptured in the experience because my DOM is...well...if I could have written out an ideal candidate HE would best my imagination.
I am attached, however, to who I am having the experience with. YOU are the constant. I feel YOU when YOU aren't here.

YOUR will rings in my head as I lean back into YOUR CHEST.
As my head falls back trustingly onto the mattress I close my eyes as YOU wrap YOUR ARMS around me and squeeze a little, exerting and reminding me that YOU are the MAN,
"Hands on ankles, bitch."

Without a word I lift my legs, noticing the way my cock cage hangs and moves my entire package, cock and nuts, as one object.

<< I'm about to get fucked in a chastity cage by a sexy MAN who loves me and who has stolen my heart. I dare not say it yet and ruin HIS pleasure by shouting out my love to HIM. I'm terrified because of my past, but YOU have been teaching me out of that timidity.

I finally accept what I am: a very timid pup. A bitch. A faggot. A cocksucker. A queer. A pussyboy. >>

Before one more thought could pass through my racing mind my phone vibrates.

<>

"Hey baby boy." Flashes across the screen as my heart melts and my boyclit aches in its cage, screaming for release. The tension feels good, like HE has a rough hand on my body. I never want HIM to stop touching me.

New Rule

And for some reason I'm obeying it. He's out of touch and busy and this pisses me off beyond belief but I'm still obeying it.

God damnit I swear if I make these sacrifices for Him and He fails me I am never fucking doing this shit again. Couldn't have asked for a worse time to instate that new rule. This is dedication and don't you fucking forget it. Goddamnit I can't touch myself without His permission and I can't get His attention long enough to even ask for it. I'm not supposed to be locked until next week, but that fucking cage may as well already be here. Chastity is fun when there's someone to play w you; it's just fucking cruel from across the continent. Least He could do is call...or wait to ask that of me until He has adequate time rather than springing a surprise on me and then being absent. I need some fucking guidance so guide me already. I'm not learning anything. I'm not gaining anything. I'm just making a fool of myself.

But even when I consider doing it anyway and just jacking off I lose my hardon at the absurdity and confusion. What's the fucking point already? He doesn't even get to benefit from me being denied. Fuck, for that matter He doesn't know how unnecessary denial is to making me submissive. If He had spent any time in person with me yet He would already know that I care 100% more about His Cock than my own, but His ain't fucking here.

I'm perfectly ready for this type of relationship, but not while I already have to live with my very existence being a fight within my home life. When He gets here and sees the bullshit I have to deal with just to live, the strangulating ignorance and bigotry, the absurdity I can't even escape at home, and how much I need His support more than His sexual satisfaction...when He gets here and understands first-hand, well, either He will feel sorry for me and ease up or help me get out of here as quickly as possible...or He will be scared off by how fucked up this place is.

I'm not even mad at Him. I'm just mad. And horny. And emotionally tired. And irritated that I couldn't have one fucking day without extreme hubris trying to dictate to me how to manage every little minute detail of my life. I see nothing but abused authority everywhere my entire life; willingly giving it to someone else is pretty much the most difficult thing possible.

It isn't even that an orgasm is that great. It just clears my head and I'm out of pot...and trying to save money by not buying it so that I can get the fuck out of here and stop wasting time in this hellhole while there's a Man on the other side of the country who means so much to me I can be snarling at the world and foaming at the mouth and yet still WANT to make Him happy more than seeking my own happiness.
I'm seeking mine, but that's largely based on Him right now. I don't wantto be foolish in love, but if I didn't see the real thing with Him I wouldn't be involved in something as ridiculous and with such a minuscule sliver of potential for success as a long-distance relationship.

So I guess it's off to bed w my head racing and trying not to think.