Oh my god....I'm going to do this. Oh my god, I actually want to do this.


i really appreciate and enjoy the way we communicate so far. i'm scared of that changing and forgetting who you are and why i am here. i WANT this. i hope i don't get scared too quickly and run; i hope i don't forget that the things about this that scare the living shit out of me do not negate the reality of the Man i trust enough to take the risk.

i hope i don't let my fear (one of the things HE can help me deal with and possibly even overcome) overcome that which i know to be stronger and truer than FEAR: LOVE. The difference in my mind about the potentiality of pain and degradation is that these do not actually harm me nor would HE harm me. HE is helping me to understand and remember that i am stronger than i think i am, and who knows? maybe i'm even stronger than HE thinks i am? whatever the case, i have to remember that HE cares for me and wants the BEST for me, of me, and out of me. HE does because HE can LOVE me and HELP me and TEACH me and HE APPRECIATES, VALUES, and RESPECTS me. i appreciate the man behind the role, Connor, and i trust him enough to obey, otherwise it is incapable of working.
(these points are exactly what he said in his last message to me tonight. i had to go through all of these thoughts to be able to reach the conclusion that he was right and i have no reason to fear. It's not even logical right now: how on earth could anyone abuse me from the other side of the continent? It just may be the case that by the time i get to meet Him in person W/we will be strong enough that i won't fear Him. i don't want to fear him. Colin said "when you feel fear the answer is to solve fear"
this is the ultimate in challenging my fears and yet safe, loving, and capable Hands are there to hold me, catch me, and push me when the time has come for pushing.

right. i can do this.

yes.

this won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
it already has been and i haven't even heard his voice. (speaking of which this timezone difference will be interesting. I wish I already knew when He is available for chat
<<Now Cory, don't forget this later. That's why you're putting it on the internet; no matter what you do once it's posted it exists.>>

(I'll be glad when I start to get to the point where I don't have to go through this long process of talking myself down from residual fears.)